It's a shame that I haven't quite figured out how to do all those neat tricks that God does. Controlling the weather, turning Pepsi into Coke, passing switchblades through metal detectors. Otherwise, I'd have something done about this nonsense. But for now, I'll just do what I do best when I'm confused and agitated. I'm going to go have a cigarette. Don't worry. This isn't necessarily linear. You won't even know I'm gone.
See? I bet you had no idea that I was just gone for 13 minutes.
I finally called Megumi today. I hadn't talked to her in over two months. She thought I was dead. It wasn't the first time that we hadn't been able to talk to each other for a long period of time. Except this time she wasn't angry like she had been before, on occasion. She was just really worried. I understand, though. I actually hadn't spoken to her a single time since I moved down here from Tokyo. She sent me mail a few weeks ago asking if I was all right, asking me to please contact her, because she was worried about me. She wanted to be able to take comfort in the fact that we'd be able to go to that small, run down old park in the middle of Kabukicho, Tokyo's dirtiest redlight district, in every sense of the word "dirty." It doesn't look like much, but it's a special place. Lots of memories. I've been going there for almost three years, many times not even on purpose. There were countless occasions on which I'd wake up there, or at least regain full consciousness of my surroundings there, after however many long nights and weird mornings of self-destructive behavior. It's especially dear to her, though, being the place we'd usually end up sitting at for hours when we'd meet at Shinjuku Station, halfway between my apartment and her workplace. She doesn't have many close friends, seeing as how she left home to go to college in Tokyo and is so busy with school and work. She says that I'm the only one who fully understands her, and I believe her. I understand her more than she understands herself sometimes. She's a beautiful girl, and very sweet, but there are a lot of things she just doesn't have the real world or mental experience to be able to fully comprehend yet. And because of her looks, people often take her for just a pretty face with nothing behind it, and she realizes that. Besides me, she doesn't have anyone that she can open up to and basically be able to cry in front of. When I went with her to her university a few times after spending the night with her, she introduced me to some of her friends. They all thought we were a couple, but we never were. We never could be, actually, even if one or both of us wanted to be. We know each other too well. We may have shared some of the close personal experiences that only formal couples should, but it was always different. It was never out of love, on either of our parts. Or maybe it was, but not the kind of love that a husband has for a wife, or a wife for a husband. It was the kind of love that two people who have been friends for their whole lives develop, except we had only known each other for a few months at the most. We were basically two human beings, far from home, in a strange, lonely place, clinging to each other in the middle of the storm, trying to keep warm and not get carried away by the wind. Things turn out the way things will turn out. And by the way they happened to turn out, I've gone through a lot of trouble with a lot of people because of that girl. But I don't mind. It's all over now, and everything is calm again. I just wonder what's going to happen with everything once I go back to Tokyo in a few weeks. She said she's busy with school and work so we'd probably have to meet on a Sunday. I guess I'll have to be able to look her in the eyes and talk with her to know exactly what it is, but she's hiding something from me. She's still got that bad habit. She can't lie to me, and she knows that. She was never able to. I can tell just by the tone of her voice and the way she words things that she's trying to hide something. Like the time she tried to hide the fact about her job, I knew right away exactly what it was she couldn't tell me. And about the things that she had done in school, I knew she wanted to tell me but couldn't, and I already knew what it was, so I never made her say it on her own. I don't want to make her have to remember. I just wish that she'd stop trying to hide things from me when she knows that I'll find out what it is the second I see her eyes. It's a waste of time and energy for her. Well, that can't be helped. She'll learn to stop it someday. She's just used to not being able to trust people. I just wish that she'd quit that goddamn job she's been doing. That's not doing her any good, either. It's a shame what financial debt can do to someone. She'll grow out of that, too, with a little help.
It looks like I'm going back to the States for a few months. I have to take care of some things that I've been neglecting to take care of for too long. I may not be able to meet up with Angela after all, though. Unless she happens to be in Tokyo when I am. It would be a shame if she wasn't. She's a really cool girl. I was hoping to meet up with Seiji in Tokyo as well, but he won't be there until weeks after I'm gone. But that doesn't really matter. I see him everyday here at the University, anyway. Anyone reading this except for Teruko won't know who the fuck I'm talking about, but don't worry. You don't know them.
It's getting too bright out and my fingers are getting tired so I'm going to go have some shrimp and go to sleep. No worries, just as before, you'll never know I was gone.