*King Tatsumi* (mongoose) wrote,
*King Tatsumi*

I'm An Asshole

Recently I downloaded a song written by the great Denis Leary, one of the most brilliant and funny-as-fuck men ever to live. I feel that it reflects something that can be found in all of us, or at least my father and me and a few good friends of mine. Now, here it is, for your listening pleasure:

by: Denis Leary

"Folks, I'd like to sing a song about The American Dream. About me, about you. About the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests. About that special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts. Maybe below the cockles, maybe in the subcockle area. Maybe in the liver, maybe in the kidneys, maybe even in the colon, we don't know..."

I'm just a regular Joe, with a regular job
I'm your average white suburbanite slob
I like football and porno and books about war
I got an average house, with a nice hardwood floor
My wife and my job, my kids and my car
My feet on my table, and a Cuban cigar

But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested
Oh no, no way, uh-uh
No, I've gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense
Oh yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah

I drive really slow in the ultra fast lane
While people behind me are going insane
I'm an Asshole~
I'm an Asshole~

I use public toilets and I piss on the seat
I walk around in the summertime saying "How about this heat?"
I'm an Asshole~
I'm an Asshole~

Sometimes I park in handicap spaces
While handicapped people make handicapped faces
I'm an Asshole~
I'm an Asshole~

Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong...

Naw, I'm an Asshole~
I'm an Asshole~

"You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado convertible, hot pink, with whale skin hubcaps, an all-leather cow interior and big, brown baby seal eyes for headlights, yeah! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115 miles per hour, getting one mile per gallon, sucking down quarterpounder cheeseburgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned non biodegradable Styrofoam containers. And when I'm done sucking down those greaseball burgers, I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag, and then I'm gonna toss the Styrofoam containers right out the side, and there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it. You know why? Because WE GOT THE BOMBS, that's why. Two words: Nuclear Fucking Weapons, ok? Russia, Germany, Romania, they can have all the democracy they want. They can have a big democracy cakewalk right through the middle of Tienenmen Square, and it won't make a lick of difference, because WE GOT THE BOMBS, ok? John Wayne's not dead, he's frozen, and as soon as we find a cure for cancer, we're gonna thaw out The Duke, and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower? Well multiply that by 15 million times, that's how pissed off The Duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get The Duke, and John Cassavetes, and Lee Marvin, and Sam Beckenthorpe, and a case of whiskey, and drive down to Texas and... ("Hey, hey! HEY! You know, you really ARE an asshole!") Why don't you just shut up and sing the song, pal..."

I'm an Asshole~
I'm an Asshole~
Everybody! A-S-S-H-O-L-E!

"I'm an Asshole, and I'm proud of it."

Thanks, Denis. Right Fuckin' On, man.
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